Making your marriage a wonderful experience.
1) Make sure you say goodbye in the morning and you learn one thing that is happening to your spouse that day. Then remember to ask about it when you come home.
2) Be sure to connect with your partner at the end of each workday.
Take turns sharing; each partner gets to talk for 15 minutes. If you are the listener don’t give unsolicited advice, show genuine interest, and communicate your understanding by: paraphrasing and repeating back what your partner has said. Always take your partner’s side (this is about being in the relationship not about being right). Express that you are on the same team against others. Express affection and validate emotions.
3) Admiration and appreciation: Find some way every day to communicate genuine affection and appreciation to your partner.
4) Affection: kiss, hold, and touch each other during the time you are together. Make sure to kiss each other before going to sleep. Think of that kiss as a way to let go of any minor irritations that have built up over the day. In other words, lay your kiss with forgiveness and tenderness.
5) Weekly date. This can be a relaxing, low-pressure way to stay connected. Ask each other questions, which show genuine interest in each other.
6) Appreciate anything your partner does or has done for you in the past that approximates what you want. Don’t discount the positive.
7) Make requests: make a request that is specific and behavioral.
The first winning strategy is to shift from negative/past complaints to positive/future requests. Give up the need to explain, defend, your need for the request. Take the burden off your shoulders by just requesting without all the reasons for the request. Let go of the outcome.
8) Guidelines for responding: clarify, acknowledge, and give. When your partner confronts you about something, do a 180 with defensiveness. Rather then defend, admit to your part. In the wake of difficult behavior, the most reassuring thing you can do is show accountability. If you refuse to- all that you’ve done is show your partner that you either don’t understand or don’t care. In either case, there is no reason you would not repeat the behavior. In other words, you are dangerous.
9) Empowering each other: how can I help you give me what I want? Nothing can impact the possibility of success then the combination of clarity in asserting your wants mixed with goodwill and genuine willingness to help.
10) Cherished your partner: It requires no skill to simply have something; it requires great skill in having it and keeping it well. It takes no skill in having a plant but it takes skill in tending that plant and keeping it a live. It takes no skill in owning a car but if you want it to last it requires maintenance. The single most effect a means of eliciting more of something is the cherishing it when it appears.
Partners seldom tell each other what they appreciate about the relationship. Make an effort to tell your partner what you appreciated about them ever day. If this is hard for you start by saying what you appreciate about your life and about yourself.
11) One, reclaim romantic space
Two, tell the truth with love and savvy
Three, cultivate sharing
Four, cherish your partner
Five, become partners in your relational health
12) The feedback wheel: a guide to communication and decreasing conflict
Ask your partner if he or she is willing to listen.
Remember your motivation is that you love them
Take the four steps of the feedback wheel. Tell him/her
What I saw or heard
What I made up about it
How I feel about it
What I’d like
Let go of the outcome
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